Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Oh, you didn't!

I was in college, greeting an acquaintance coming back from the summer break.  I asked her how her summer had been, and she said that her mother had passed away.  I was so shocked and flustered that I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry!!  So, how was your summer other than that?" 

I know. 

When we lived in Washington, I had a friend who had trained very hard for months to run his first marathon.  Handsome Hero also had a friend who had just run the same marathon.  His friend had completed it in a Boston Marathon qualifying time {which is a big deal, for those of you who, like me, didn't know there was a Boston Marathon qualifying time}.  His friend is in his late 60's.  So, when I asked my friend what his time was, he proudly told me.  The first thing out of my mouth? "That's great!  Bill's friend, Bill, who's in his 60's, ran it in [insert faster time that I can't remember]."

I know.

Every time I think of these things, and others, I still cringe.

Sunday, I met a girl worse than me {should I feel good about that?}.  I went to the gym, which has a movie theater with cardio equipment instead of seats.  Pretty nice, eh?  Except for THE INCIDENT.  A man was running on the treadmill in front of me.  He left to get water or something but didn't turn off his treadmill.  While he was gone, a lady came to get on the treadmill, not knowing it was running.  Of course, when she stepped on the machine, she flipped over and fell on her face.  It was awful.  We all jumped off of our machines, some going for help, and some attending to the lady.  The receptionist came in.  I'll call her Buffy.  I'll call the man who left his treadmill running Bubba.  Perhaps it's better to write the next part as a script.

Buffy:  Are you all right?
Hurt Lady:  My right arm is numb, my right foot is cramping, and I may have broken my neck.
Buffy:  But are you okay?
Hurt Lady:  I need an ambulance.  Is it on it's way?  I think I may have broken my neck.
Buffy:  You really think you need an ambulance?  I have to call my boss first, you know.
Hurt Lady:  Just dial 911!  Can someone else call, please?

{someone does}

Buffy:  So, what happened?
Bubba:  I just left my treadmill to get some water.  I had to leave it running to keep my time.
Buffy:  I know what you mean.  You just wouldn't think anyone would get on without looking at the display. 

{looks of disbelief from concerned onlookers}

Bubba:  I mean, it was only running at a 5.3.
Buffy:  Oh!  That's, like, nothing!

{looks of disbelief from concerned onlookers}

Buffy:  How are you now?
Hurt Lady:  My right arm is completely numb.  I am pretty sure I broke my wrist, but that is inconsequential because I think I have broken my {enter very technical term for upper back area}.
Beautiful concerned onlooker who will be played by Sandra Bullock:  {to Hurt Lady}  What's your name?
Hurt Lady:  Molly
Beautiful concerned onlooker:  Are you a nurse, Molly?
Molly:  No, I'm a doctor.
Buffy:  Really?  I'm studying to be an E.M.T.

{more looks of disbelief as we anticipate what it would be like to be "helped" by Buffy}

Ambulance arrives and curtain closes.  Cast exits stage Left, leading blank faced Buffy.

Curtain rises.  It's the next day.

Beautiful concerned onlooker has arrived at the gym again, and is surprised to see Buffy working.

Beautiful concerned onlooker:  Did you learn how Molly is doing? 
Buffy:  You know, I haven't seen her yet.  I guess she isn't coming to work out today.

{look of disbelief from beautiful concerned onlooker}

I could write a screen play.

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